All before I am 40

With the death of Bella and having to organise her funeral and sort out her estate it got me thinking about all the things I have had to deal with in my life and all before I have turned 40 yet.

The three big things that you could say have been a dominant factor in my life all manifested in my early teens, well one before but it was in my teens that I learned what it was and how you could do something about it. This was the fact that I was trans and that from watching crappy daytime tv programs learned that I was not alone in how I felt and that there were things I could do to change the situation.

But it would not be till I was in my early 20’s that I would actually do something about it and live my life authentically. The other two big things were developing both of my two major mental health conditions, my bipolar and my anorexia. The latter being a coping mechanism for the former. When they both developed they were both very mild, with gentle mood swings and as a result of the feeling a little out of control with them using food to help me feel in control, well more in control than I did without doing it.

At that time my weight wasn’t the driving issue it was more using food as an emotional crutch to help deal with mood swings that were more substantial than the average teenager. When I did eventually go to the doctor over my moods, it was down to me…