Dealing with some firsts

Since Bella’s death, I had 3 months where I was extremal ill even having two psychotic episodes, which I have already talked about in my last blog post. The next two weeks should be happy weeks, with it being Christmas and New Year. Indeed last year we had a great one, we were in Bangkok and Bella had just had her surgery and was the happiest that I had ever seen her.

Now my mood has settled down, and I am in a level place and have not had a hint of a mood swing in the last month which is unusual for me. But I am enjoying this while it lasts as I know it’s only temporary.

This is now going to be a tough period, we have what would have been Bella’s 1 year anniversary of her surgery on the 23rd December, then we have Christmas day and then the next week there is the New Year.

All these events are going to be the first time they happen without her, it is going to be a tough few weeks having to deal with them all happening in such a short space of time. I personally wanted to spend the time on my own doing what I wanted to, basically ignoring the fact it is Christmas and just have a few days remembering all the happy times we had together.

But my mum said I was not allowed to be on my own on the first Christmas without her, so I have been told I am going to my parents for it. I really don’t feel in the Christmas mood and to be…