My big regret

All my life till very recently I had a very different view of how I looked compared to how the rest of society saw me. My issues relating to my body image always considered myself to be nothing more than average in looks when it came to how I saw things. This was how I considered things to be for 39 years.

So as a result of not thinking I was anything special in the looks department I made sure that I had the ability to flirt and charm people with my words to start any relationship with people I liked. In my mid 20’s till a bit after 30, I was a total player when it came to relationships; I could go from one to another with ease and the only time I would be single would be because I decided to be for a while.

When it came to me and women trying to chat me up I could never tell that this was happening, so when I went on nights out with friends I was totally oblivious to having any idea that some people were trying to pick me up. So because of that I never thought that when in-person people would try to chat me up.

Then when Bella came along and we both felt the same about each other I thought I had won the lottery.

I considered the gap in looks between us was huge, so I would always be doing all I could with what I was saying and showering her with little silly gifts to show my feelings for her.

She was a natural when it came to having her photo taken and showing the world that she was proud of who she was and happy with how her life was being the best she could be. Then there was me, I had a terrible body image and I hated having my photo taken I would always try to be the one behind the lens taking the photos that were where I was the most confident.

For me to be able to be in a photo I would need to be a little bit intoxicated to lower my inhibitions and be ok with it happening. As such when it came to photos of the two of us together there are a very small number of them and this is one thing I regret that there are not more. Looking at the few that there are now, I feel like a bit of an idiot for how I felt back then.

After a lot of convincing and multiple people saying the same thing, I can see that how I saw myself was totally wide of reality. As after so many people telling me the same thing early this year that I have a very classical look…