The lost month of November

Bella’s death caused me to enter a mixed episode, so I had some depressive traits and some manic traits. These are the moods I can’t spot happening, and as a result, are very dangerous for me. I have now had two major episodes of this type and both times I ended up in hospital.

This time things played out differently to the time before and to my normal mood swings. Before November came around I had experienced a psychotic period of the episode I was in. It covered a few days with different things happening at times; I experienced hallucinations, delusional thoughts and paranoia just to name a few of them.

Now when this happened I thought that was the end of it, it had peaked with full-on psychosis and it would drop down to a “normal” level for me. It did feel like that for all of October, but it was still active just hiding away under the surface waiting for something to make it do something again.

November started quite nicely, the first week was an ok week taking in to account everything I had just been through. But then something triggered the mood and it sprang back into action. I wasn’t thinking anywhere close to rational, and I thought that if I died too I could be with her again for all of eternity.

So I ordered 200 10mg tablets of diazepam and I had about ¾ of a months’ worth of my normal medication. They arrived on Wednesday so I paid the rent, for the next month and then put all the pills into a bowl and started eating them like they were sweets. I hit a point where my memory…