There has been a change

In the twelve months that followed Bella’s death things were terrible hard to do, each day that had a meaning to her or us was hard to deal with. The first Christmas, Birthday and so on were all tough days to deal with. Then there was the build-up to the actual day that it happened, the whole month before the stress gradually built up around it, sleepless nights, images that I had tried to put to one side showed up again and it was tough to deal with.

Then the day itself came, waking up things felt strange. I was expecting that I would wake up and be exceptionally sad and be in tears all day long. I had built up this mental image of what I thought would happen. But the day came and I can’t explain how it was that I felt, there isn’t a word that exists to explain it. So I spoke to the people I know who have been there themselves, asked them about this and was this normal. They said yup that’s how they felt on that day too, so I was reassured it was common.

There were some tears that morning as I saw the urn with her ashes in it, I see it every day but today it made me cry. Something that I have learnt to be ok with; I hadn’t planned what I was going to do that day then I thought what she would be happy seeing me do. So I spent the day doing the things that she always enjoyed seeing me do; this I felt was the best way to spend my day.